HERE’S THE BOTTOM LINE…
The pressure to be perfect can manifest in many different ways. It may look like obsessing over getting straight A’s, building a flawless resume, or excelling in sports. Yet for some teens, it may present as the need to be ‘good’ all of the time. Although many individuals define ‘good’ as being generally kind, caring, honest, and fair, it is not expected that a person show these qualities every waking moment of their lives. Yet, perfectionists often internalize the belief that they must embody these attributes to be a worthy person in society. In other words, perfectionists often believe that if they do not behave flawlessly at every moment of their lives, they cannot be considered a ‘good’ person.
Every mishap, such as saying something regrettable to a friend, or something as small as having a socially ‘unacceptable’ thought, can potentially make perfectionists feel ‘stained’ or ‘morally deformed’ as they move through life. One example of this was when a young person felt a wave of jealousy when her best friend was chosen for a lead role in the school play and she was chosen for a minor role. Instead of acknowledging that her feelings were normal and rooted in disappointment, she mentally berated herself, saying things such as “Why can’t I just be happy for her?” and “I am a terrible friend. What is wrong with me?”. She quickly spiraled into feelings of guilt and shame believing that ‘good’ people did not feel jealous and that she must be a bad person because she was jealous. This overwhelming feeling of being unable to experience and feel a range of normative emotions and thoughts (including those that many label as ‘negative’ such as anger, irritation, envy, and jealousy) can take a strong toll on perfectionists’ mental well-being and overall self-image. In this case, the teen’s reaction was a completely normative emotional response, especially for teens who are discovering who they are and navigating complex peer, work, romantic, and family relationships.
Despite the fact that striving to be morally perfect my come across as being a positive attribute in a student, child, or friend, the driving force behind the relentless need to be morally perfect, can cause significant harm to the individual. Whereas some teen perfectionists show signs of anxiety or seem weighed down by self-doubt, others are pros at maintaining a polished image of moral-correctness and emotional composure. Irrespective of how it presents, perfectionism often carries a heavy emotional cost that is easily missed by others. Indeed, it can take on many forms such as the following:
- Unrealistic Sense of Responsibility- Many perfectionists who are hyper-focused on their morality can feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility for others. They may feel that every action and decision they make will completely affect the lives of another individual, often catastrophizing to worse case scenarios, no matter how small the decision may be.
- Excessive Guilt- Many perfectionists can feel intense guilt for any mishap they make in life, no matter how small. This can express itself as constant apologies, punishing the self, and not being able to move on from the perceived mistake.
- Overanalyzing Behaviour- Many perfectionists over-analyze many of their interactions or experiences throughout their lives, to dissect any flaws in their behaviour. This can become obsessive and lead to feelings of anxiety and worthlessness, which can result in the need for external validation or reassurance for every decision they will make or have ever made.
How to Help
- Allow teens to gain trust in themselves. Although it may be difficult, restrain from providing constant reassurance for their decisions, and encourage teens to feel confident in themselves. This will help teens reduce the amount of self-doubt they are experiencing, and feel confident in their self-image.
- Do not be afraid to discuss flaws. Although it may feel like a good idea to avoid any conversations about mistakes and flaws in yourself or the teen, this will only confirm the teen’s belief that mistakes equate to being a bad person. By talking openly about mistakes in your past, and explaining how mistakes are something that cannot be avoided but learned from, this will begin to diminish the belief of mistakes being a “stain on the soul.”
- Avoid avoidance. Although an initial reaction to a teen struggling is to remove the thing that is causing them distress, this can further encourage poor habits and lack of confidence in the teen. Continue to allow the teen to engage in healthy experiences that may make them feel uncomfortable, especially in activities that require decision making. For example, a teen perfectionist may feel inclined to avoid driving, as it requires increased confidence and decision making. Yet, the teen will need to be self sufficient. Therefore, learning to trust themselves on the road and gain confidence will help the teen, as opposed to feeding the perfectionistic tendencies.
- Model emotional honesty. This is a powerful way to teach teen perfectionists that all feelings are valid. When we openly share our own emotions, including frustration, irritation, jealousy, sadness, or anger, and explain how we work through them, we show teens that no emotion is inherently ‘bad’ or ‘good’. Instead, we model that emotions are signals that help us understand what matters to us, and recognizing this helps teen perfectionists move beyond the ‘good versus bad’ emotion mindset.
Take Away…
Many teens may experience the need to be morally perfect, leading to lack of trust in themselves, and self-deprecating thoughts. By having open and honest discussions about flaws and mistakes along with modeling emotional honesty and facing challenging together rather than avoiding them, we show teens it is ok to be authentically human, with all of the messiness that comes along with it. Let’s help teen perfectionists shed the unrealistic standard of being ‘perfectly good’ all of the time and embrace their unique human selves.