HERE’S THE BOTTOM LINE…
In Part IV of our series of how perfectionism is experienced by teens, we begin our exploration of what drives their perfectionism. In our discussions, teen perfectionists tell us that the pressure to be perfect comes from several sources: including parents, teachers, coaches, peers, and even themselves. Whereas some adolescents are pretty clear that their perfectionistic tendencies are either driven by purely internal sources or purely external forces, others cannot single out any one factor and instead inform us that they experience both internal and external pressures to be perfect. Some teens also point to external situational pressures such as their school environment, society in general, & their previous successes as fueling their perfectionism. Thus, it isn’t always specific people who are fanning the flames of their perfectionistic tendencies. The bottom line is that when someone asks you what is spurring on teen perfectionism the best answer is… “well it depends!” Perfectionism is not one size fits all for teens and the sources of adolescent perfectionism are as varied as they are!
It’s My Parents!
Most of the teen perfectionists that we talk to point to others as being an important source of their perfectionistic ways. Parents tend to get the lion’s share of attention. Sometimes teens identify the explicit expectations that are placed upon them by their parents as contributing to their perfectionism. Some examples include parents requiring their teens to earn straight A’s in school, to behave perfectly in front of others, or to be the star player on their sports team. Teens also discuss how parents can more subtly express their desires for perfection by lavishing attention and affection on them when excessively high standards are met and being more distant when expectations are not met.
“In high school, it was as if my average wasn’t over 90%, I wasn’t allowed to see my friends or I wasn’t allowed to watch Netflix,”
At other times, teen perfectionists describe a different dynamic in which their parents are indirect sources of their perfectionism. In many of these cases it appears that parents are largely unaware of their perceived role in their child’s perfectionism. Some adolescents talk about their parents’ success as fueling their perfectionism, as they try to live up to their parents’ achievements and even surpass them. In many of these instances, the teens let us know that their parents do not put any direct pressure on them, and are accepting and supportive. Yet, these teens tell us that they don’t want to disappoint their parents or let them down in any way so they adopt perfectionistic tendencies to ensure that they are as successful as their parents. Other teens identify protecting their parents as a key determinant of their perfectionism. In these instances, teens try to be as perfect as they can to make their parents’ lives easier.
“Where this all stemmed from was my parents are worrying about my brother, so I can’t make them worry about me too.”
It’s the Comparisons to my Siblings Too!
Comparisons of teens to their siblings, especially older siblings who are seen as successful, seem to energize many young people’s perfectionism, as they aim to live up to the achievements of their brothers or sisters. Adolescents share with us how these comparisons can be direct, as in the case when a teacher expects a teen to do as well in a class as their older brother or sister did in the past or when a coach holds a teen to the high standards that their sibling met in a sport. However, teens also point out that these comparisons can be covert, such as when parents, family members, teachers, or coaches continually discuss the accomplishments of a sibling in front of them.
“Sometimes I try a lot, I try to be a lot like my sister. So there’s definitely that pressure, cause I do the same things my sister does. But my sister has always been the one to bring awards home from that and so it’s kind of just like, oh be more like your sister. But I’m like, I can’t … I think it comes from my parents. But then even after they stop saying the things they do, it’s kind of already taken over my mind. And so secretly, whenever I see an achievement from her, I still feel really proud of her that she was able to do that. But now I feel like the bar has just been raised more for me.”
“I feel like with friends, I’m kind of known for being one of the smart friends, which again, sounds bad, but it’s like I’ve kind of felt pressure that it’s like, oh no, I actually have to be getting really good grades and if they ask about grades, they need to be like super, super good”
Don’t Forget my Friends, Teachers, & Coaches Too !
In addition to parents, young perfectionists also point out the role of their teachers, coaches, and peers in fueling their perfectionism. With respect to teachers and coaches, teens tell us that they feel that they are continually being pushed to improve, even when they are performing well, which stimulates their perfectionistic ways because they feel that they are never good enough. A common theme among young perfectionists is that they tend to hang out with other young perfectionists so they feel that they need to be as perfect as possible so that they do not lose their standing and connections in their friend group.
It’s Them!
Teen perfectionists’ discussions of how they believe that others expect them to be perfect (or at least near perfect) reflects what researchers refer to as “socially prescribed perfectionism” (see Flett et al., 2016; Hewitt & Flett, 1991). The fact that socially prescribed perfectionism is so common among teenagers is troublesome given that it is associated with a host of negative consequences including worse mental and physical health, poorer relationships, and lower academic achievement (Flett et al., 2022; Blackburn et al., 2024). Thus, it is critical to raise awareness of socially prescribed perfectionism among teens. It is clear that in many cases others do not even realize that the young perfectionists in their lives are perceiving intense pressure from them. Thus, drawing parents’, teachers’, coaches’ and young people’s attention to how teen perfectionists understand and experience their perfectionism is important so that we can ensure that we are not unknowingly communicating demands for flawlessness via our use of comparisons, consistently high expectations, and the appearance of conditional love and acceptance.
Other teen perfectionists tell us that they believe that they are the sole architects of their perfectionistic ways. They describe their perfectionism as an internal drive in which they are compelled to be nothing short of perfect, even when they know that others in their lives do not expect perfection or anything even close to it. For example, some teens describe their perfectionism as an angry voice in their head that constantly demands flawlessness, whereas others describe their perfectionism as a deep-seated need to constantly improve and be the best. The experiences of these teens appear to reflect what researchers refer to as ‘self-oriented perfectionism’ in which people create the excessively high standards that they hold themselves to and are self-critical when these standards are not perceived to be met (see Flett et al., 2016; Hewitt & Flett, 1991 to learn more).
“Nobody else in my life is ever on me, like, you have to be perfect. You have to try harder. It’s just myself telling myself that.”
“I just have this inner urge to be perfect”
Whereas some research suggests that self-oriented perfectionism can be somewhat benign, other studies show that it can contribute to poorer health and well-being (Bills et al., 2023; Fry & Debats, 1995; Smith et al., 2022; Stoeber & Otto, 2006). Thus, parents, teachers, coaches and anyone who interacts with young people need to be aware that teens can be experiencing intense pressure to be perfect even in the absence of external expectations. Consequently, in some cases it is not enough to simply remove overt expectations for exceptional performance to reduce perfectionistic tendencies in young people. In these instances, encouraging self-compassion and incorporating stress management techniques may be beneficial.
It’s a Bunch of Things!
It is important to note that perfectionistic teens do not just mention specific people when they talk about what drives their perfectionism. Some young perfectionists tell us that they feel immense pressure to be perfect from their overall school environment where they perceive that they are expected to be exceptional across the board, including being a top student, an outstanding athlete, someone who is talented in the arts, a person with a thriving social life, and on top of all of that an involved community member who volunteers their time to greater social causes. As many teens tell us, these are the students who get all of the recognition and the awards right? On a related note, some teen perfectionists even point to their previous successes or their reputation for being a strong student as heightening their perfectionism, such that they feel the pressure to maintain or even raise the bar. Finally, others talk about endless societal pressures, such as social media, fewer job prospects, higher admission requirements from postsecondary institutions, and greater economic constraints and uncertainties as boosting their perfectionistic tendencies. The idea here is that teen perfectionists feel that they have to be perfect or as close to it as possible so that they will be able to beat out their competition to secure a bright future.
“There’s definitely a pressure, especially once you’ve set yourself up with good grades. And you have this kind of reputation, or you’ve had teacher before and they can see all your marks,”
In Summary:
- Multiple sources contribute to teen’s pressure to be perfect.
- Some teens appear to be driven solely from within to be perfect whereas others point to specific others such as parents, teachers, coaches, and peers, as elevating their perfectionism.
- Some teen perfectionists talk about the overt expectations that are directly placed upon them by others to be flawless
- Other adolescent perfectionists mention that the people in their lives are often unaware that they are fueling their perfectionism by what they say or do
- From the perspective of teen perfectionists, the need to be perfect is also woven into the very fabric of our school systems and broader society due to financial pressures, high levels of competition, social media, and the scarcity of resources and jobs.
PLEASE NOTE: The information presented in this blog is intended for information purposes only. It is not intended to be used as diagnostic criteria. Perfectionism is not a recognized psychological disorder. The information in this blog is NOT a substitute for advice by an appropriate health professional. If you are experiencing distress, please contact an appropriate health professional.
Extra Resources:
- https://www.anxietycanada.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/anxiety-bc-coping-strategies-v3-2.pdf
- https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/mental-health-and-covid-19/coping-with-stress-and-anxiety
- https://www.ontario.ca/page/mental-health-services-children-and-youth
PLEASE NOTE: The resources provided should be used as supplemental information to learn more mental health supports and the role you can play in supporting your child. If your child is struggling, please ensure that you are reaching out for professional support beginning with your child’s Family Doctor or Pediatrician or 911 in the case of an emergency.
To learn more about perfectionism check these out!
Blackburn, M., Puffer, H., Molnar, D. S., & Zinga, D. (2024). Raising the bar: Testing prospective reciprocal relationships between multidimensional trait perfectionism and undergraduate academic achievement. Learning and Individual Differences, 109, 102405.
Bills, E., Greene, D., Stackpole, R., & Egan, S. J. (2023). Perfectionism and eating disorders in children and adolescents: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Appetite, 187, 106586–106586.
Flett, G. L., Hewitt, P. L., Nepon, T., Sherry, S. B., & Smith, M. (2022). The destructiveness and public health significance of socially prescribed perfectionism: A review, analysis, and conceptual extension. Clinical Psychology Review, 93, 102130–102130.
Flett, G. L., Hewitt, P. L., Besser, A., Su, C., Vaillancourt, T., Boucher, D., Munro, Y., Davidson, L. A., & Gale, O. (2016). The Child–Adolescent Perfectionism Scale: Development, Psychometric Properties, and Associations With Stress, Distress, and Psychiatric Symptoms. Journal of Psychoeducational Assessment, 34(7), 634–652.
Fry, P. S., & Debats, D. L. (2009). Perfectionism and the five-factor personality traits as predictors of mortality in older adults. Journal of health psychology, 14(4), 513–524.
Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (1991). Perfectionism in the Self and Social Contexts: Conceptualization, Assessment, and Association With Psychopathology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60(3), 456–470.
Madigan, D. J. (2019). A Meta-Analysis of Perfectionism and Academic Achievement. Educational Psychology Review, 31(4), 967–989. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10648-019-09484-2
Molnar, D. S., Blackburn, M., Tacuri, N., Zinga, D., Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2023). “I need to be perfect or else the world’s gonna end”: A qualitative analysis of adolescent perfectionists’ expression and understanding of their perfectionism.Canadian Psychology / Psychologie canadienne, 64(4), 320–334.
Smith, M. M., Sherry, S. B., Ge, S. Y. J., Hewitt, P. L., Flett, G. L., & Baggley, D. L. (2022). Multidimensional perfectionism turns 30: A review of known knowns and known unknowns. Canadian Psychology / Psychologie canadienne, 63(1), 16–31.
Stoeber, J., & Otto, K. (2006). Positive Conceptions of Perfectionism: Approaches, Evidence, Challenges. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 10(4), 295-319.