Perfectionism is often misunderstood. From the outside, it can look like high standards, ambition, or being “put together.” But for many young people, perfectionism is not about striving. It’s about surviving. 

In a culture that rewards achievement, being “a perfectionist” can even sound like a compliment. Yet, for many people, perfectionism involves relentless self-criticism, fear of mistakes, and the constant feeling of never being good enough. Behind the polished exterior, people struggling with perfectionism often put tremendous pressure on themselves and rarely feel satisfied with what they accomplish. 

The latest research from our lab (https://rdcu.be/eZGNZ) suggests that adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), particularly maltreatment such as emotional abuse or neglect, can play an important role in the development of perfectionistic tendencies. We followed 195 young adults from before the pandemic through three points during and after its peak, tracking their perfectionistic thoughts and assessing their childhood experiences. While perfectionistic thoughts generally decreased over the study period, young adults who had experienced adverse childhood experiences, especially maltreatment like emotional abuse or neglect, consistently reported more perfectionistic thinking. Our findings indicate that early adversity can make some young people more vulnerable to self-critical patterns, particularly during stressful periods. 

Early Relationships, Safety, and Survival 

Two complementary theories help explain our findings. 

The Perfectionism Social Reaction Model (Flett et al., 2002) proposes that perfectionistic tendencies can develop as a reaction to adverse early environments. When children are exposed to harsh criticism, emotional abuse, neglect, or instability, perfectionism may emerge as a way of coping with those experiences. 

The Perfectionism Social Disconnection Model (Hewitt et al., 2017) adds that when there is a mismatch between a child’s emotional needs and the responses they receive, children may internalize the belief that acceptance depends on performance. 

Importantly, perfectionism in these contexts is not only about gaining approval. It can also be about staying safe. 

A child living in a critical or unpredictable environment may learn:

• If I don’t make mistakes, I won’t be yelled at. 

• If I get everything right, maybe they won’t withdraw from me. 

• If I am perfect, maybe they won’t hurt me. 

Perfectionistic tendencies can function as a protective strategy; as an attempt to reduce risk, avoid conflict, and maintain some sense of control. It is not vanity. It is adaptation. It is about getting through. 

Over time, these early adaptations can become ingrained patterns of thinking: 

• I have to get it right. 

• I can’t afford to fail. 

• Mistakes are dangerous. 

While these beliefs may once have served a purpose, they can become heavy burdens in adolescence and adulthood. 

When Stress Brings It Back 

In our study, young adults who experienced more maltreatment reported increases in perfectionistic throughout the pandemic. Stressful life events can contribute to perfectionistic thinking, but they often build on patterns that started earlier in development. 

When life feels uncertain or out of control, old survival strategies often resurface. Self-critical thinking can flare up. The pressure to “get it right” can feel urgent and consuming. While these strategies may have helped a child cope or stay safe, over time they can take a serious toll. Chronic perfectionistic thinking has been linked to poorer mental and physical health. Many perfectionistic individuals appear capable and composed on the outside, but internally they may feel chronically inadequate and exhausted from trying to meet impossible standards. 

What This Means for Families and Young People 

For parents and caregivers, this research reinforces a powerful message: children do not need perfect adults. They need emotionally responsive ones. Protective experiences include: 

• Warmth and validation 

• Repair after conflict 

• Reassurance that mistakes are safe 

• Love that is not conditional on performance 

• Consistency and predictability 

Helping children feel safe and supported early on may keep perfectionism from becoming a lifelong burden. 

For young adults, especially those who have experienced adversity, it can be helpful to recognize that intense self-critical thinking may have roots in earlier experiences. Perfectionism may once have helped you cope. It may have helped you feel safer, more in control, or less vulnerable. 

But strategies that once supported survival do not have to define your future. 

References: 

Flett, G. L., Hewitt, P. L., Oliver, J. M., & Macdonald, S. (2002). Perfectionism in children and their parents: A developmental analysis. In G. L. Flett and P. L. Hewitt (Eds.), Perfectionism: Theory, Research, and Treatment. Washington: American Psychological Association (pp. 89-132).  

Hewitt, P. L., Flett, G. L., & Mikail, S. (2017). Perfectionism: A relational approach to conceptualization, assessment, and treatment. The Guilford Press.  

Molnar, D.S., Blackburn, M., O’Leary, D. et al. Is the developmental pathway to perfectionism paved by childhood adversity?. Curr Psychol 45, 248 (2026). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-025-08530-3