HERE’S THE BOTTOM LINE…
In Part III of our series of how perfectionism is experienced by teenagers, we will put the spotlight on social comparison and competitiveness. During their interviews with us, teen perfectionists discussed how they were often trapped in an incessant cycle of comparing themselves to others; essentially using others as mirrors to assess their behaviours, performance, and in many cases their worth. Their tendencies to compare themselves to others often led to a form of hypercompetitiveness that at times interfered with their relationships, especially with their peers. The bottom line is that teen perfectionists often describe themselves as being highly competitive people who struggle to understand their own abilities, accomplishments, and worth without using others as a benchmark to evaluate themselves!
“it’s this desire to be the best and reach these impossible standards”
Young perfectionists, however, take social comparison to another level, as they tend to use it to a dizzying degree! They are not only constantly using social comparison to assess their work and performances on tasks, but also to evaluate their worth as human beings. For example, teen perfectionists tell us countless stories of how they know that they are not good enough because others have accomplished more than they have. In one case a teen shared that they were disappointed with themselves even though they had received an incredibly high grade and excellent feedback on a story that they wrote! Why? Because they knew of teen authors who had already been published by their age. Thus, in their minds this comparison meant that they were nothing.
The Best of the Best…Nothing Else Will Do!
Have you gotten a test, assignment, or essay back and even though you have a grade that indicates how well you did, the first thing you do is ask other people in the class how they did? If the answer is yes then you have engaged in social comparison. Of course, we all compare ourselves to others from time to time and this can be healthy in small doses because it can help us get a better sense of where we stand relative to others, especially when we are in ambiguous situations. Comparing ourselves to people who we think are doing better than us can be motivating whereas comparing ourselves to others who we believe are not doing as well as us can make us feel better when we are down.
PLEASE NOTE: The information presented in this blog is intended for information purposes only. It is not intended to be used as diagnostic criteria. Perfectionism is not a recognized psychological disorder. The information in this blog is NOT a substitute for advice by an appropriate health professional. If you are experiencing distress, please contact an appropriate health professional.
From Comparison to Competition….
Not only do teen perfectionists compare themselves to others who they think are outperforming them, which makes them feel bad about themselves, but they also compare themselves to people who they think are not doing as well as them under certain circumstances. One such context is when they are comparing their levels of perfectionism to that of their peers. In line with research showing that we tend to seek out others who are similar to ourselves, teen perfectionists tend to hang out with other teen perfectionists. An interesting dynamic arises when teen perfectionists associate with one another. Namely, they tend to compare how perfectionistic they are with each other with the goal of proving to others that they are either the most perfectionistic, are managing their perfectionism the best, or even putting in the most effort to be perfect! Given that perfectionism contributes to poorer mental and physical health along with relationship problems, it is obviously not a great thing that young perfectionists are spurring on each other’s perfectionistic tendencies!
For many young perfectionists their tendencies to compare themselves with others morphs into competitiveness that can at times further develop into a form of hypercompetitiveness. Whether it be academics, sports, social media, popularity, hobbies or even their appearance, young perfectionists tell us that they need to be number 1! The word ‘need’ is not used loosely here. They require themselves to be the best because anything less is considered abject failure. Further, being singled out as being the best relative to their peers provides them with concrete evidence that they have maximized their performance, which is oftentimes the only way that they can feel special, due to their lack of a healthy sense of self.
“A lot of the girls were scared to play me” and “I can be a bit competitive with other kids in my class. I want to always—I always want to be number one.”
Some teen perfectionists are aware that their constant need to ‘outdo” their peers can negatively affect their relationships. For example, we hear stories about how young perfectionists often take over when given group projects in school because they need their group to achieve the highest grade. They tell us that they frequently do not trust group members to complete the work as well as they would. According to young perfectionists, some students like to work with them because they know that they will have less work to do in the group. However, teen perfectionists also recognize that they seem to push some of their peers away because these peers may interpret their behaviour as conveying an ‘attitude of superiority’. For example, most teens want to make meaningful contributions to their group, earn their own grades, and test their own abilities. Thus, these teens may see young perfectionists as arrogant, hostile, rude, and even annoying for limiting their involvement in the project! Consequently, teen perfectionists can find themselves increasingly isolated from their peers who do not want to engage with their perfectionistic ways.
In Summary:
- Teen perfectionists engage in excessive social comparison
- Their constant reliance on social comparison can transform into a form of hypercompetitiveness whereby teen perfectionists need to be the best at all times to fill a seemingly constant void of feeling worthless
- Some teen perfectionists are keenly aware of the negative consequences of being so invested in being the best as they report that their peers try to steer clear of working with them, whether it be in sports, academics, or even on an interpersonal level!
Stay tuned for Part IV where we discuss where the pressure to be perfect comes from!
Extra Resources:
- https://www.anxietycanada.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/anxiety-bc-coping-strategies-v3-2.pdf
- https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/mental-health-and-covid-19/coping-with-stress-and-anxiety
- https://www.ontario.ca/page/mental-health-services-children-and-youth
PLEASE NOTE: The resources provided should be used as supplemental information to learn more mental health supports and the role you can play in supporting your child. If your child is struggling, please ensure that you are reaching out for professional support beginning with your child’s Family Doctor or Pediatrician or 911 in the case of an emergency.
To learn more about perfectionism and social comparison in young people, check these out!
Molnar, D. S., Blackburn, M., Tacuri, N., Zinga, D., Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2023). “I need to be perfect or else the world’s gonna end”: A qualitative analysis of adolescent perfectionists’ expression and understanding of their perfectionism. Canadian Psychology / Psychologie canadienne. Advance online publication.https://doi.org/10.1037/cap0000357
Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2022). Perfectionism in childhood and adolescence: A developmental approach. American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/0000289-000
Etherson, M. E., Curran, T., Smith, M. M., Sherry, S. B., & Hill, A. P. (2022). Perfectionism as a vulnerability following appearance-focused social comparison: A multi-wave study with female adolescents. Personality and Individual Differences, 186, 111355-. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2021.111355
