HERE’S THE BOTTOM LINE…

In Part II of our series of what perfectionism looks like in teens, we will continue to discuss key findings from a recent study (Molnar et al., 2023). Just as a reminder, this study examined the key components of perfectionism in teens via interviews with adolescent perfectionists. In this post we discuss two key characteristics of teen perfectionism. First, we talk about how perfectionism is experienced by many teens as a demand or a compulsion. Second, we discuss how young perfectionists tend to be chronically dissatisfied despite their unyielding efforts towards meeting their goals. The bottom line is that teen perfectionists are young people who are compelled to be absolutely flawless and tend to be unimpressed even when they accomplish what others consider to be outstanding achievements!

It’s not a desire or a want, it’s a MUST!

When I say “perfectionist” what do you think of? Most people think of a highly driven and successful person. The underlying assumption is that the person is choosing to strive towards excellence and that they can turn it on and off at any time. Yet, the teenage perfectionists that we spoke with let us know that this is often a misconception. They are not pursuing flawlessness because they want to, but because they NEED to be absolutely perfect! Importantly, even when teens told us that their perfectionism was completely self-driven rather than expected from others, they still described it as a necessity.

“I need to do it perfect or else I will physically shut down and start crying”

It is critical for us to understand that perfectionism among young people is typically experienced as a compulsion rather than a desire. This is because many of these young people feel that they need to earn their worth by being perfect. Put differently, they feel that they are not enough unless they are flawless. Thus, we need to be careful not to encourage or praise perfectionism among teens, but rather let them know that they matter, are worthy of love, and are important no matter what! We need to let them know that their worth is NOT equated with their achievement!

PLEASE NOTE: The information presented in this blog is intended for information purposes only. It is not intended to be used as diagnostic criteria. Perfectionism is not a recognized psychological disorder. The information in this blog is NOT a substitute for advice by an appropriate health professional. If you are experiencing distress, please contact an appropriate health professional.

It’s Meh…..

Being a perfectionist is exhausting! Perfectionism contributes to mental and physical health problems along with poorer relationships (Flett & Hewitt, 2022). What is the reward then? Could it be that perfectionists feel an immense sense of satisfaction when they finally meet their exceptionally high standards and that makes it all worth it? Sadly, our work along with many others (e.g., Hill et al., 2015; Rice et al., 2003) show that the answer is NO, as perfectionists tend to be chronically dissatisfied. This dissatisfaction is the result of several factors. First, young perfectionists are more likely to fail simply because the standards that they are trying to reach are often impossible and failure is not satisfying! Second, even when teen perfectionists are able to somehow meet their standards there is no celebration. Instead perfectionists tend to do one of two things: they either quickly move onto their next goal and raise the bar in the process or minimize the importance of the achievement altogether. They can also do both!

“You just gotta just keep doing things until you’re satisfied. Which usually doesn’t happen because you just want it to be even better.”

It was not uncommon for young perfectionists to tell us that they often do not take time to celebrate their achievements because they are already moving onto the next thing on their never ending ‘to do’ list, and this new thing is often an even higher standard to meet. For example, let’s say that your goal is to learn a new piece on the piano called “Moonlight Sonata” by Beethoven. You work tirelessly to perfect each note so that you can play this piece seamlessly. After months of work, you finally can play it exactly as you wanted to! Time to rejoice, right? If you are a young perfectionist, chances are that the answer is no! Instead, you lament about how you still cannot play Grieg’s “Piano Concerto in A Minor” and quickly turn your attention to learning this new and extremely challenging piece, with your previous success long forgotten.

Perfectionistic teens have other tricks up their sleeves to reduce any potential satisfaction that they may feel after a success. For example, another way that they can feel demoralized even after reaching their stated goals is to completely undermine their success in the first place. I have seen this first hand as a professor. I have taught several perfectionistic students over the years and it never fails to stop me in my tracks when a student achieves the grade that they wanted on a test and then looks unimpressed, while deflecting any compliments that they receive. When I ask students to explain their reactions I tend to hear the same things; “I got lucky”, “this test doesn’t mean anything in the long run”, “they graded too easy”, or my personal favourite “the test was easy”. Please note that my tests are far from easy and are graded with rigor! Another example, includes a teen who explained that they could not let themselves celebrate their current victories in gymnastics because although they received excellent scores and praise from judges, they knew that they did not do it perfectly. While teen perfectionists may not be fully aware of their tendencies to undermine their satisfaction, they may also be doing this strategically in an effort to maintain a high level of motivation; afraid to take their foot off the gas for even a minute to celebrate any successes for fear of slowing down on their relentless pursuit of perfection. This is worrisome and may, in part, explain how perfectionism can contribute to depressive symptoms in both teens and adults.

In Summary:

• Teen perfectionists feel compelled to be utterly flawless, such that they believe that they need to be perfect to earn their worth in society.
• Rather than be jubilant when they meet their incredibly high standards, they feel chronically dissatisfied.
• Teen perfectionists deprive themselves of feeling satisfied or proud of themselves in a couple of different ways: they often move onto their next aspiration before they take their next breath or they chip away at the importance of the achievement in the first place.

Stay tuned for Part III where we discuss how teen perfectionists are the ultimate competitors!

PLEASE NOTE: The resources provided should be used as supplemental information to learn more mental health supports and the role you can play in supporting your child. If your child is struggling, please ensure you are reaching out for professional support beginning with your child’s Family Doctor or Pediatrician or 911 in the case of an emergency.

To learn more about this study, check out:

Molnar, D. S., Blackburn, M., Tacuri, N., Zinga, D., Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2023). “I need to be perfect or else the world’s gonna end”: A qualitative analysis of adolescent perfectionists’ expression and understanding of their perfectionism. Canadian Psychology / Psychologie canadienne. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/cap0000357

Also check out the other studies mentioned in this post:

Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2022). Perfectionism in childhood and adolescence: A developmental approach. American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/0000289-000

Hill, A. P., Witcher, C. S. G., & Cowie, M. (2015). A qualitative study of perfectionism among self-identified perfectionists in sport and the performing arts. Sport Exercise and Performance Psychology, 4(4), 237–253. https://doi.org/10.1037/spy0000041

Rice, K. G., Bair, C. J., Castro, J. R., Cohen, B. N., & Hood, C. A. (2003). Meanings of perfectionism: A quantitative and qualitative analysis. Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy, 17(1), 39–58. https://doi.org/10.1891/jcop.17.1.39.58266