HERE’S THE BOTTOM LINE…
Many teen perfectionists are painfully aware of how they are perceived by others. Whereas some reject the need to appear perfect to others, relying instead on their own self-assessments, others are deeply invested in projecting a flawless image to others, whether they need to be perfect for themselves or not. Just as soldiers use armor to shield themselves from external threats, these teen perfectionists work hard to curate a perfect persona to defend themselves against potential criticism, rejection, or failure. By crafting a seemingly flawless exterior, they believe that they can create a buffer that allows them to navigate the world with a stronger sense of security. Yet, although their mask of perfection is designed to provide protection, it is not infallible and often comes with inherent weaknesses. Just as a soldier’s armor can be vulnerable to specific types of attacks or wear over time, the façade of perfection that teen perfectionists wear can also fail to provide the security they seek. For example, our interviews with teen perfectionists reveal that the pressure to maintain a flawless exterior can lead to stress and anxiety, alienate them from other people, and even prevent them from getting the help that they desperately need. The bottom line is that many teen perfectionists are not who we think that they are, which can lead to devastating consequences!
“Part of what makes me a perfectionist is that I’m always trying to be someone that people can be impressed by.”
“People only see the perfectionist side of me … it doesn’t mean that I’m always like that … when I want to be perceived a certain way, then I am like that”
Curating the Perfect Image
Many teen perfectionists put tremendous effort into appearing perfect to others. Chiefly, this is because they are incredibly sensitive to any potential criticism or rejection by others and they believe that crafting a perfect image will protect them from scrutiny or negative feedback. As discussed in Issue 12, many teen perfectionists are people-pleasers to the extreme, often placing their self-worth in the hands of others. Teen perfectionists build their idealized images via several strategies:
1. Curating a flawless social media persona. They carefully select photos that highlight any perceived successes while minimizing any struggles. Of course, nonperfectionists do this too as this seems to be a consequence of our digital world. However, a key difference between teens who are perfectionists versus those that are not seems to be the level of importance that they place on their online identity, with perfectionists tying their worth to the acceptance by others, whether they are strangers or not.
2. Frequently discussing or showcasing their successes, such as awards or honors, to reinforce their sense of accomplishment.
3. Spend excessive time revising their work to ensure that it is ‘perfect’ before sharing with others.
4. Downplaying the amount of work it took to complete. In other words making their work look ‘effortless’.
5. Choosing their words very carefully so as not to make an error when they speak or verbally divulge any potential flaws.
6. Avoiding situations that may reveal any potential shortcomings.
7. Hiding or suppressing any signs of distress or negative emotions (e.g., sadness, anger, guilt, frustration), even in situations where expressing them is entirely appropriate—such as grieving a loss.
“I also like to post the highlights of my life to show that I am doing great. I’m being perfect.”
“I always just look like I’ve got my stuff together … sometimes if I don’t, it still looks like I do because I put that pressure on myself to just be perfect.”
Based on our discussions with teen perfectionists it is clear that their use of these strategies may temporarily alleviate their anxiety because these tactics can make them feel like they have control in how others perceive them. However, when teen perfectionists use these strategies to appear perfect to others they often get a lot more than they bargained for, as will be discussed below.
An Impenetrable Barrier
Just as physical armor can be bulky and restrict movement, the pressure to maintain a perfect image can create several barriers that leave the teen perfectionist feeling isolated and misunderstood.
Barrier 1: Presenting a perfect front can create a barrier between teen perfectionists and their true selves by inhibiting their emotional development! For example, many teen perfectionists tell us that they feel pressured to always maintain a façade of strength or composure leading them to hide or suppress their negative emotions, even in situations where expressing them is entirely appropriate, such as grieving a loss! Teen perfectionists share with us that they believe that this is necessary because in their minds showing or even feeling negative emotions is a sign of weakness. This of course creates significant inner turmoil, as teen perfectionists actively deny their feelings of sadness, anger, or vulnerability. When feelings are not acknowledged or processed, they can accumulate over time, creating an emotional burden that can feel overwhelming. Moreover, this can undermine their ability to identify and process emotions as well as prevent them from developing healthy coping skills to deal with negative emotions. Finally, by not allowing themselves to fully experience their emotions, individuals may find it difficult to connect with their own needs and those of others, potentially isolating themselves further during challenging times.
“I knew I was prouder because nobody knew I was really struggling. I refuse to let people see that”
Barrier 2: Trying to maintain a flawless façade also creates a barrier to teen perfectionists’ personal growth and their authentic expression of who they really are. This is because in their efforts to project an idealized version of themselves, they may shy away from trying new things or engaging with unfamiliar people. This fear of not measuring up can lead to missed opportunities that are crucial for personal growth and self-discovery. For example, when teen perfectionists prioritize their ‘perfect image’ over authenticity, they often limit themselves to activities that fit with their carefully crafted persona. This can prevent them from exploring new interests or stepping outside their comfort zones. For instance, they may avoid joining clubs, getting a driver’s license, applying for a part-time job, participating in sports, or attending social gatherings out of fear that they won’t excel or will be judged for not being perfect. As a result, teen perfectionists may miss out on valuable experiences that could foster their talents and broaden their perspectives.
“I’ve worked really hard to impress them.”
Barrier 3: The drive to maintain a flawless exterior can create a barrier to teen perfectionists making genuine connections with others. Teen perfectionists may find it difficult to open up and be vulnerable, fearing that any perceived imperfection will lead to rejection or criticism. This reluctance to share their true selves can create distance in friendships along with family, professional, and romantic relationships, preventing them from forming intimate and meaningful bonds. The irony is that while they strive to be liked and accepted, their efforts to appear perfect can alienate them from the very connections that they seek.
“I want my parents to think that I’m perfect too.”
Barrier 4: When teen perfectionists focus on self-promoting an image of perfection, they often create a barrier to receiving the help that they genuinely need. By prioritizing a polished exterior and striving to project an idealized self, they may inadvertently or purposely lead others to believe that everything is fine, when they are not. This can result in friends, family, or coworkers being unaware of the emotional or psychological challenges that they are facing. Not surprisingly, may teen perfectionists avoid seeking support, even when they are in crisis. They might fear judgment or believe that admitting to struggles would undermine their carefully crafted image. As a result, they often isolate themselves, suffering in silence behind their mask of perfection while the weight of their burdens continues to grow. This has serious consequences as many teen perfectionists are not receiving the support that they desperately need!
Cracks in the Armor
It is critical to understand that the effort to maintain a mask perfection can become an overwhelming burden for teen perfectionists, especially when they inevitably encounter mistakes or setbacks. When teen perfectionists make errors, the impact can be profound. Rather than seeing mistakes as natural and valuable opportunities for growth, they often experience intense feelings of shame and inadequacy. This shame can stem from a deep-seated belief that their worth is contingent upon their ability to perform flawlessly. As a result, any slip-up is interpreted as a personal failure, reinforcing the idea that they must uphold their perfect image at all costs. This may result in teen perfectionists becoming increasingly critical of themselves, pushing themselves to achieve higher standards and presenting an even more polished version of themselves to the outside world. This reaction not only perpetuates their emotional distress but also creates a barrier to forming real connections with others, as they fear being vulnerable or exposed. Furthermore, the pressure to keep up appearances can lead to chronic anxiety and stress. In the end, although the mask of perfection at first appears to be an attractive safeguard, it often ends up being a source of intense suffering.
“It’s just subconsciously I feel like I always have to have everyone think that I’m perfect.”
In Summary:
- Perfectionistic self-presentation or the need to appear perfect to others is prevalent among many teen perfectionists
- This mask of perfection can show up in many different ways among teens such as presenting a ‘perfect’ persona on social media, self-promoting successes, hiding potential flaws, and avoiding any situations, such as new experiences or unfamiliar people, that may result in setbacks
- Teen perfectionists often wear their masks of perfection as a form of protection against potential censure or rejection. Yet, the ‘perfect shields’ that teen perfectionists erect often result in profound pain; creating barriers that limit self-discovery, growth, and meaningful relationships with others
Extra Resources:
- https://www.anxietycanada.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/anxiety-bc-coping-strategies-v3-2.pdf
- https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/mental-health-and-covid-19/coping-with-stress-and-anxiety
- https://www.ontario.ca/page/mental-health-services-children-and-youth
- https://www.ontario.ca/page/mental-health-services-children-and-youth
- https://www.ontario.ca/page/mental-health-services-children-and-youth
Please Note: The resources provided should be used as supplemental information to learn more mental health supports and the role you can play in supporting your child. If your child is struggling, please ensure that you are reaching out for professional support beginning with your child’s Family Doctor or Pediatrician or 911 in the case of an emergency.
To learn more about perfectionism check these out!
Hewitt, P. L., Blasberg, J. S., Flett, G. L., Besser, A., Sherry, S. B., Caelian, C., Papsdorf, M., Cassels, T. G., & Birch, S. (2011, January 17). Perfectionistic Self-Presentation in Children and Adolescents: Development and Validation of the Perfectionistic Self-Presentation Scale—Junior Form. Psychological Assessment. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0021147
Hewitt, P. L., Habke, A. M., Lee-Baggley, D. L., Sherry, S. B., & Flett, G. L. (2008). The impact of perfectionistic self-presentation on the cognitive, affective, and physiological experience of a clinical interview. Psychiatry, 71(2), 93–122. https://doi.org/10.1521/psyc.2008.71.2.93
Blackburn, M., Zinga, D., & Molnar, D. S. (2024). “With texting, I am always second guessing myself”: Teenage perfectionists’ experiences of (dis)connection online. Developmental psychology, 10.1037/dev0001741. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0001741.
Mackinnon, S. P., & Sherry, S. B. (2012). Perfectionistic self-presentation mediates the relationship between perfectionistic concerns and subjective well-being: A three-wave longitudinal study. Personality and Individual Differences, 53(1), 22-28.
Blackburn, M., Puffer, H., Molnar, D. S., & Zinga, D. (2024). Raising the bar: Testing prospective reciprocal relationships between multidimensional trait perfectionism and undergraduate academic achievement. Learning and Individual Differences, 109, 102405.
PLEASE NOTE: The information presented in this blog is intended for information purposes only. It is not intended to be used as diagnostic criteria. Perfectionism is not a recognized psychological disorder. The information in this blog is NOT a substitute for advice by an appropriate health professional. If you are experiencing distress, please contact an appropriate health professional.