HERE’S THE BOTTOM LINE…
When you think of a teen perfectionist, what comes to mind? Most people describe a confident and capable teenager who is in control and has their life together. Yet, our discussions with teen perfectionists reveal quite a different reality; a reality where they are struggling with a deep-seated sense of insecurity that slowly chips away at their well-being. This insecurity shows up in different ways. Teens tell us that their insecurities can manifest themselves as checking behaviours where they are constantly checking their work for potential errors or for anything that can potentially embarrass them. In other cases, they are redoing their work to an excessive degree, with some choosing to miss key deadlines and readily accepting late penalties rather than submit a product that they feel is not their absolute best. Often teens tie their repeated checking and editing to a fear of being judged negatively by others. This makes sense given that seeking validation from key members in their life such as friends, teachers, employers, family members, and coaches is common among teen perfectionists as they often do not trust their own judgement, questioning everything from the quality of their work to their worth as people. Interestingly, teachers also tell us that one way that they recognize perfectionism in their students is their incessant need for validation, which they see as getting in the way of their students’ learning! Finally, teen perfectionists may express their insecurities through a relentless drive to stay busy, believing that constant productivity is essential to prove their worth. This need to fill every single moment with tasks and activities can create an overwhelming sense of pressure, as they equate their value with how much they accomplish. The bottom line is that we shouldn’t take for granted that teen perfectionists ‘have it all,’ without acknowledging the multitude of insecurities and pressures they bear on a daily basis!
“If I achieve below the standard that I do set for myself, I can start to have feelings of worthlessness or doubt…”
“It makes me feel like I’m not good enough.”
The Never-Ending Edit…
Striving for excellence, or being a conscientious student or employee, often drives people to be meticulous editors of their work, as they naturally want everything to be correct and of high quality. This attention to detail often leads to polished assignments and impressive projects, reflecting hard work and creativity. So does perfectionism lead teens to be better students and employees? Not really, as our research shows that there are little gains and that perfectionism can often undermine performance! This is because striving for excellence is NOT the same thing as perfectionism! People who are conscientious strive for excellence, which means that they tend to have realistic standards and have a flexible approach to reaching their goals. In other words, when they need to move onto another task or when things don’t work out exactly as planned, they are able to switch gears and move forward. Perfectionism, on the hand, is rigid. Something is either perfect or terrible and it is difficult to change direction once a goal is put in place! Therefore, when the drive for excellence morphs into the need for everything to be absolutely perfect, things can take a difficult turn. This is because perfectionism often stems from fear, like the worry of making mistakes or not meeting expectations, which can become overwhelming. Indeed, teen perfectionists tell us that they are drowning in self-doubt! This can lead to an obsession with checking and rechecking their work, which can hinder their progress and make it hard for them to feel satisfied with their painstaking efforts. Striking a balance between conscientiousness and self-compassion is key; it’s important for teens to aim for quality without letting fear control their progress.
“It would be me just constantly checking for their approval and for their ok.”
“I won’t stop until I get it into how I will like it.”
“If I don’t feel 100% about it, it’s I gotta redo it.”
In Constant Motion!
Teen perfectionists often grapple with the belief that their value is based on their productivity and achievements. This phenomenon, known as “activity-based self-worth”, leads them to constantly seek out tasks and responsibilities to validate their self-esteem. The notion that “I am what I do” becomes a driving force in their lives, pushing them to fill every moment with activities that showcase their capabilities. In this relentless pursuit, teen perfectionists often feel compelled to excel in academics, sports, extracurricular activities, and employment often at the expense of their well-being. Teen perfectionists tell us that they struggle to take breaks or enjoy downtime, fearing that idleness equates to worthlessness. This mindset can create a cycle of stress and anxiety that leads to burnout, as their self-worth becomes contingent on external accomplishments rather than intrinsic qualities.
“I’ve always overworked myself because I thought I needed to do more rather than just come home and sit in my bed and watch Netflix.”
Chasing Validation…
One way to ease their endless feelings of self-doubt is to constantly seek out validation from others. For example, most teen perfectionists let us know that it is vital to them that others notice and applaud their accomplishments. While seeking validation from time to time is completely normal, teen perfectionists take it to an unhealthy level as they seek validation to the extreme! Many describe this tendency by referring to themselves as ‘people pleasers’ – people who are desperately seeking approval and acceptance from those around them. This compels them to go above and beyond to meet the expectations of parents, teachers, friends, employers, and coaches, often sacrificing their own needs and desires in the process.
They may struggle to assert themselves or say no, fearing that disappointing others could lead to feelings of inadequacy or rejection. This relentless focus on pleasing others; however, can leave teen perfectionists feeling overwhelmed and drained, as they constantly chase validation. Moreover, the need to please others can lead teen perfectionists to overcommit themselves to satisfy others, leading to inconsistency in their availability or performance. This can irritate people who depend on them, as friends, employers, coaches, and teachers may find it difficult to rely on someone who is frequently shifting their priorities to accommodate others! Finally, teen perfectionists’ need for constant validation can put pressure on those around them. Others, for example, may begin to feel obligated to reassure the teen perfectionist, which can become exhausting over time. Thus, people may feel that they must tiptoe around the teen perfectionist’s sensitivities, limiting open communication and genuine interactions. Ironically, teen perfectionists may inadvertently push away the very people whose validation that they seek!
“I’ve worked really hard to impress them.”
Sabotaging Success?
Teen perfectionists often describe being trapped in a cycle of self-sabotage, particularly when it comes to managing their schoolwork. A common manifestation of this struggle, described by both teens and teachers, is their tendency to take late marks rather than submit assignments they don’t believe meet their high standards. Teen perfectionists’ need for flawlessness can lead them to obsess over minute details, constantly revising and reworking their projects to achieve an unattainable ideal. In the process, they may miss deadlines, accumulating late marks that could have been avoided if they had simply submitted their work on time. This drive for perfection can also undermine their ability to even start tasks. For example, both teen perfectionists and teachers express that these students often struggle with initiating projects such that they are so afraid to take a risk or possibly get it wrong that they hesitate to begin new tasks without seeking excessive clarification. This persistent need for reassurance undermines teen perfectionists’ creativity and independence, increases their anxiety, and leads to frustration for their teachers. In some extreme cases, it can also lead to a failure to complete and submit projects at all, which paradoxically results in the loss of validation that they so desperately crave!
“I would say it doesn’t stop me, but it definitely will take me a lot longer to convince myself to do it or get out there and actually try it.”
“I’ve worked very hard not to live in fear and cry all the time and feel worried about every decision I ever make.”
In Summary:
- Insecurity, whereby teen perfectionists doubt their actions and in many cases their worth as human beings, seems to be at the heart of perfectionism among young people
- This insecurity can show up as…
- a relentless checking of work;
- an incessant need to redo work or in some extreme cases as self-sabotage through which teen perfectionists take late penalties or fail to submit work, undermining their success
- a drive to be constantly busy, which can impair teen perfectionists ability to take breaks to recharge or their relationships because they are uber-focused on being successful
- a need to be a ‘people-pleaser’
PLEASE NOTE: The information presented in this blog is intended for information purposes only. It is not intended to be used as diagnostic criteria. Perfectionism is not a recognized psychological disorder. The information in this blog is NOT a substitute for advice by an appropriate health professional. If you are experiencing distress, please contact an appropriate health professional.
Extra Resources:
- https://www.anxietycanada.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/anxiety-bc-coping-strategies-v3-2.pdf
- https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/mental-health-and-covid-19/coping-with-stress-and-anxiety
- https://www.ontario.ca/page/mental-health-services-children-and-youth
PLEASE NOTE: The resources provided should be used as supplemental information to learn more mental health supports and the role you can play in supporting your child. If your child is struggling, please ensure that you are reaching out for professional support beginning with your child’s Family Doctor or Pediatrician or 911 in the case of an emergency.
To learn more about perfectionism check these out!
Blackburn, M., Molnar, D. S., & Zinga, D. (2024). Simply the best? Bridging perfectionism in psychology and girlhood studies. Journal of Youth Studies, 1–17. https://doi.org/10.1080/13676261.2024.2392197
Domocus, I. M., Damian, L. E., & Benga, O. (2022). Perfectionism shapes the way adolescents perceive family acceptance over time. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 39(5), 1369-1389. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211056563
Blackburn, M., Zinga, D., & Molnar, D. S. (2024). “With texting, I am always second guessing myself”: Teenage perfectionists’ experiences of (dis)connection online. Developmental psychology, 10.1037/dev0001741. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0001741.
Vois, D., & Damian, L. E. (2020). Perfectionism and emotion regulation in adolescents: A two-wave longitudinal study. Personality and Individual Differences, 156, 109756-. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2019.109756
Blackburn, M., Puffer, H., Molnar, D. S., & Zinga, D. (2024). Raising the bar: Testing prospective reciprocal relationships between multidimensional trait perfectionism and undergraduate academic achievement. Learning and Individual Differences, 109, 102405.